On the Eve of 2011

Welcome to my new blog:  Learning to Color Outside the Lines aka Memoirs of a Control Freak

How better to end one of the most trying years of my life than by making New Year's resolutions? 

First a recap of our major life events in 2010:

My "heart" dog, ND, started having seizures.  After a lot of visits to the ER vets and our vet neurologist, he is diagnosed as unexplained epilepsy.  Basically they can't determine why he would start having seizures at 8 years of age and we cannot find any common triggers that may be causing them.  For now he's on Phenobarbital and we schedule our lives around the twice daily dosing. 

At the end of July Robert and I found out that we were expecting our first child.  I can remember that day in full detail.  I had been spotting off and on for almost 5 days, which was highly unusual.  I had taken a pregnancy test the day I started spotting, but it was negative, so I really thought I was just getting my monthly visitor.  I decided on a whim to take another test and didn't even tell Robert that I was going to do so.  Imagine my surprise when the word "Pregnant" popped up without the "not" in front of it!  Our families and best friends were called that evening.  We were way too excited to contain ourselves!

July 31st I began bleeding.  We were at a dog show and I had not felt well, but chalked it up to early pregnancy and the 100+ degree weather that day.  When the bleeding began, I knew the pregnancy was not going well.  I tried to think positively, but my heart just knew we were miscarrying.

We were able to get into the OB's office on August 2nd.  By this point the bleeding had stopped, but I just couldn't find the strength to be hopeful.  We were taken back for our first ultrasound.  No joy here.  The tech couldn't find anything.  No evidence of a pregnancy.  She had a concerned look on her face and I knew the news wasn't good.  She switched ultrasound devices and was finally able to locate my baby implanted in my right fallopian tube.  An ectopic pregnancy.  I was realizing one of my biggest pregnancy fears.

I was scheduled for emergency surgery that evening and had just enough time to run home, pack a bag, make arrangements for my work to be covered and contact our families.  My parents and my best friend, as well as Robert, were by my side until the wheeled me into the operating room.  I couldn't have felt any more support and love at that moment.

During the surgery, they discovered that I also had fibroid cysts within my uterus.  This wound up posing a lot of potential pregnancy complications, so I had a second surgery in November to remove them.  It went well and the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) was very pleased with my chances at becoming pregnant again.  A week after my myomectomy (fibroid removal), we were cleared to begin trying again.

On December 30th, my Dad called to tell us that he had taken my Mom to the ER because she was having heart attack symptoms.  We're still waiting to know the game plan, but they did determine that she had a mild heart attack.  This will be continued into the new year, as they have already planned for additional tests to determine what actions will be necessary to prevent this from happening again.  In the meantime, my Mom is making several resolutions of her own.

Good things:  Robert graduated Nursing School in December and is set to begin his new job on January 31st!  My nephew was born in July and is a treasured part of our lives.  It's been amazing to see my little brother transform into a Dad.  A little bittersweet for us due to the loss, but I'm working through my feelings and trying to keep them from getting in the way of my relationship with my nephew.

So....now for some resolutions:

1.)  To accept that life controls me...I don't control life.  Basically things are going to happen and nothing I do can control everything.  I know there are things that can help influence certain outcomes, but I also need to recognize that life is going to happen - with our without my consent.

2.)  To reduce the amount of stress that I put on myself.  I am not perfect, nor does anyone expect me to be!  It's OK for me to make mistakes, have meltdowns and commit the occasional act of stupidity.  I am human and it's part of living.

Finally...

3.)  To enjoy the life I have and make the most of the wonderful opportunities in front of me.  I want to learn to live my life in the present - not worrying about the future or regretting the past.  Maybe if I try to live one day at a time, it won't get so overwhelming?  It's my new theory anyway!

For now, I want to mostly say "THANK YOU!" to my family and friends for the support they have given me throughout my entire life and especially this year.  I can honestly say that I wouldn't have made it through the past year without you!  Hopefully I can stop being a Debbie Downer and be more fun to be around in 2011!